Monday, 20 January 2014

What do I really want? 19th

If a person is never told they are beautiful, how do they then recognise a complement when they hear it and not judge it as merely one more nasty comment passed in their presence. Last night I was having a conversation with my sister about how we perceive our self worth and how our self esteem developed in such an environment as the one we found ourselves growing up in. I found myself musing on what I want out of life. I know adults usually encourage children to start making plans and setting goals in their high school years and even back earlier when they ask 'what do you want to be when you grow up?'. I recall it didn't matter what I wanted to be as a child my ideas were usually ridiculed.
I want to lose weight, have wanted to lose weight all my life but instead I gain it. I was a chef for a long time and I was good at delicious. One of my signature dishes was a chocolate hazelnut swirl baked marble cheesecake. You only have to read the name to see the calories in it and I would never serve something I didn't like. I don't do any other thing that people might do to cope with the stressors of life except eat. I eat when I am sad, angry, depressed, worried, frightened, lonely...I joined groups. Lots of groups and I am always successful for a little while then I quit. I am now the size I thought I was when I was half the woman I am now. In the 52 week drawing challenge I am doing on FB next week the challenge is to do a selfie. I have been crying for days. I don't want to look at myself or draw myself and honestly I don't like much about myself. I am talented, intelligent and kind but...and there is always a but. I tell people I am good at this that and the other thing but I am a lousy housekeeper or I say, yes I can do all those things but can't manage to keep a partner. The clown, the jokester, the entertainer who hides behind the laughing. My sister called yesterday and we spoke of the cruelty of our past and we each tried to recall just once in our childhood and youth when someone significant in our lives said a kind thing or told us we were beautiful. An art teacher told me once that I reminded him of Botticelli angels, I thought he meant I had weak shoulders, a double chin, a round tummy and was girly and pathetic. Girly was pathetic in our childhood. Girly meant useless, lacking in value and ugly or worse. I didn't know the art teacher was complimenting me and saying I was beautiful.

I made myself that poster. The hand pointing at the viewer (me) and asking "What do you really want?" because I need to make firm decisions about my life. I have been making solid decisions over the past year but it took an almighty kick in the pants to make me do it and the results are showing already. I have stories published and art published and I am beginning to know people in the writing and art world who are worth knowing. My art is growing and my writing is beginning to shine. I still want to get healthy and I want to feel like a I belong. A sense of belonging is something most people take for granted. They understand the rules of friendship and socialising that seem to bypass my understanding. Some days I feel a bit like the Sherlock Holmes character who just does not get the people thing. I ask occasionally and people look at me as if I am weird or crazy and a look of 'how can you not know that' comes over their faces so i don't ask again. I watch and I watch but I seem to miss the cues.

Anyway yes I am a bit weird but mostly an okay person which is a long way from where I was five years ago when I still believed I was invisible in the sense that once people were not looking at me I no longer impinged on their awareness in any way. Odd way to see oneself I suppose but I truly believed it. How does a person reach that kind of place of non existence?
I have been incredibly fortunate since being in Warrnambool. I have met some beautiful people who have taken me under their wing and given me their friendship. I am no longer invisible and I feel more loved than I ever have before not forgetting the beautiful people I have met throughout my life who have helped me along my life's journey. I truly am a very fortunate woman in the kindnesses bestowed on me.

I have drawn nine pictures of myself for next weeks challenge and really had to look at my own face carefully. Daughter tells me there are times I just do this thing with my jaw and it is terrifying and there are all these other faces I make, she probably knows my face better than I do and she loves my face. I want to see my face through her eyes so I did these.
I will load them one at a time next week in the challenge. The photo for comparison. it was weird drawing my own face.